Have the Gilmore Girls put something in your drink? Why are so many of you in love with such a terrible show?
Hello my name is Katie Lee and I hate the Gilmore Girls.There, I said it. I finally came out as a nerd who can’t stand those two women and their stupidhead show. Here’s why.
1. Everything Lorelai says, does or thinks.
Here is a woman who is so in love with how fast she talks that she’s never stopped to listen to anything anyone else says to her. If she splits up with a boyfriend she’s back doing funny “bits” about 5 seconds after shedding a fake tear. I never saw her have a real emotion that wasn’t apparently fixed after a coffee or a slice of pizza.
Which leads me to…
2. Fast food consumption is not amusing.
Do we really live in a world where eating fast food and being pleased with yourself about it is meant to be cute and funny? Remember that time when they acted all confused and disgusted because Rory’s wet boyfriend ordered salad with his pizza? Ha ha! What a stupid boy! He doesn’t realise that no one adorable ever ate lettuce!
If Lorelai were an actual mother who had raised her child on this food there would be Mumsnet boards dedicated to pillorying her for starting her daughter onto the path to Type II diabetes.
What’s more, if you had a friend who still had the palate of a five-year-old, you wouldn’t applaud her kooky ways, you’d think she needed to learn to like olives like the rest of us have to.
3. The town full of kooks
Just as you think the show might not be quite so heinous, you get a scene with Kirk and the kooks from Stars Hollow and you once again contemplate self-harm.
If I lived in that town, Gilmore Girls would be more like Midsomer Murders with me doing all the murders.
4. The bad boy who isn’t really all that bad
Rory gets a series of duff boyfriends throughout Gilmore Girls. The only one actually worth knowing is Jess – mainly because he despises everyone in Stars Hollow. But apparently he’s too bad or something. Then he gets a job in a bookshop in New York and continues to be way more interesting than anyone else Rory ever spoke to.
5. The good boyfriend who really isn’t all that good
The most depressing part of Gilmore Girls for me was Logan-Rory story. Entitled teutonic WASP Republican wants “poor girl” who is actually the future heir of entitled WASP Republicans. Gets her. The end.
Their story is not the stuff dreams are made on. You just know that in a couple of years he’ll be ringing to say he’s tied up at the office whilst actually being tied up at a strip club before heading out to the casino to gamble away his entire bonus. At home an obese Rory spends the night nursing their feverish, vomiting children as she weeps for the loss of her once-promising career.
6. Will they won’t they – Luke and Lorelei
Whatever Luke did in a previous life, surely he didn’t do anything bad enough to warrant the punishment of Lorelei?
He spends most of the first few seasons grumpily loving this shallow, vapid person from afar, only to fall into a “will-they-won’t-they” romance that seems to make neither of them particularly happy. And then, after all that, in the very final episode they just kind of wander back into each other’s arms and the whole thing finishes on an ambivalent fart of a storyline.
If I were writing this show, Luke would shout “just stop with your goggle-eyed cute “bits”, I’m going off on my boat to find a full-grown woman who doesn’t think eating a bowl of Skittles constitutes one of her five a day.”
But frankly I’m being unfair. No grown woman would want a man who was so emotionally constipated that he couldn’t ask a woman who came into his cafe every day for EIGHT YEARS to go on a date. Or who thinks wearing a baseball cap backwards is a Good Idea.
7. The wasted talent of Melissa McCarthy
I watched every episode of the Gilmore Girls and didn’t notice that Sookie was being played by one seriously great comedic actor. I was too busy wishing she’d punch Lorelei in the face for once again ignoring her as she tried to squeak. I mean speak.
8. Nothing actually happens!
NOTHING! I can cope with shows where half the point is that nothing happens (Seinfeld, The Royle Family, Steptoe & Son) but this show is about a group of shallow, soulless loons and narcissists who never actually learn anything or do anything.
Which would be fine if it were actually funny…
9. It’s not funny
I can’t think of a single thing that made me really laugh in this show. Not once through all the hours of wasting my life watching it did I do a real life LOL. Here is a montage of “funny bits” that mainly consists of Rory and Lorelei interrupting people mid-sentence to smart talk as well as a scene where they gabble shit all the way through someone’s funeral. Tossers.
But applause to Emily for pointing out “This is easily the most pointless conversation we’ve ever had,” which pretty much sums up every scene.
(Also, what kind of arsehole interrupts her father who’s telling her about his excitement over his new business venture to make weak jokes and smirk? Lorelei is a bad, bad person.)
10. Rory only had three friends
And one of them was her dreadful mother. And another one was someone who barely concealed her disdain for everyone around her (and who should actually have been the star of the show along with Emily – they could have been like Cagney & Lacey but instead of guns they’d shoot scorn).
So that’s it
I could go on, but I know I’m on a hiding to nothing. The only reason I watched every episode of this show is that so many people I love and respect think it’s good. Reading parts of the script and you can see it’s witty and clever in lots of ways, but reading funny is not the same thing as speaking funny.
I guess I have to conclude it’s just something that’s broken in me. At the time, I kept watching thinking it would eventually improve, or thinking I would eventually see the error of my ways.
Instead I just sat there filled with loathing for these idiots and their stupid hollow.
But no matter, it’s over now. Rory and Logan have their obese, pizza-reared children to love and Luke now stares in impotent rage at the crazy woman prattling on about nothing who occasionally shouts “Coffee, Coffee, Coffee” really fast and mistakes it for wit. Lorelai is finally silent.
UPDATE: They’re doing another bloody season! WTF Netflix, haven’t we suffered enough? Now I have to decide, do I hate-watch this season too? What are you fellow hate-watchers doing? Tell me in the comments. I’m loving hearing from you all – It’s validating the time I wasted watching this series in the first place.